Recently, I made a comment in a group setting, and I feel that my intent was misunderstood.
When I received negative feedback from those involved in the conversation, I was surprised and disheartened by the narrative that followed. Although I felt I didn’t deserve the outcome, at that moment, I had a decision to make. Would I lash out and trade below-the-belt barbs? Would I crumble and get down on myself, or would I address the matter head-on with truth and set an example?
Everywhere we look, we see folks willing to engage in word wars and attack anyone who doesn’t agree with their perspective. We even see this behavior from our politicians and others, from whom we should expect better. However, social media platforms have made it extremely easy to obliterate people and launch all-out character assassinations on complete strangers.
It has become commonplace for people to take out their aggressions even on family members, friends and loved ones. In life, we will experience many battles and learning how to fight with dignity and respect is imperative. When teaching my kids how to fight for themselves and stand up for what they believe in, there are three things that I want them to do: always be respectful, always be truthful and stay aligned with their values, and always show compassion.
Regardless of the situation, whether they were at fault or not, we remind our boys to respect themselves and others. If you do not first respect yourself, it can be hard to respect others. In our home, we enforce this concept when we speak to one another, but also when we’re speaking about ourselves — negative self-talk is not acceptable. If we get a bad grade, lose a tennis match or make a mistake, we do not start with beating ourselves up or calling ourselves names like stupid, dumb or loser.
First, we take stock of what happened. Then, we acknowledge what role we played and how we could have improved our approach. Finally, we make a genuine attempt to learn and do better next time. Because our expectation is that we first respect ourselves, we make it clear that we must treat others in the same manner. When my husband and I have a disagreement, we model respect for our children by not yelling and hurling insults at one another. We may have a healthy debate, but we do so with respect and love because we know that our boys are constant spectators of our behavior.
For us, respect is the bare minimum. While we cannot control others, we can control our actions, and we always start with respect.
We live in a society where being truthful is not always valued and alternative facts are not only accepted but even celebrated. As parents, how can we instill honesty and integrity into our children? Start by being honest and truthful with your kids, even when the truth may cause discomfort.
Oftentimes, as parents, we will shield our kids from the truth because we don’t want them to be disappointed or experience discontent. However, if we do not equip our kids with the ability to accept truth, we are not adequately preparing them for adulthood. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for and they appreciate honesty just as much as adults do. This is why we tell our boys repeatedly that they will never go wrong by being honest, and this includes being honest with oneself.
In a fair fight, we only address truths. Once folks have left the realm of reality, and we have already expressed our point of view with honesty and respect, there is nothing left to do but agree to disagree and move on. There is no point in going back and forth with anyone who is unwilling to acknowledge and accept factual information — engaging will usually only lead to unnecessary drama.
The same is true when dealing with ourselves. We have to be honest with ourselves and always hold ourselves accountable. We teach our kids to never allow anyone to cause them to stray from their values. We encourage them to stay true to who they are and remain steadfast in what they believe. Even when others may try to cut them down or slander them, we tell them to take the high road — there is no glory in playing small. In the end, how our children conduct themselves will speak volumes about the type of people they are and the character they have.
Lastly, we encourage our children to always show compassion. We want them to be mindful that they will encounter all types of people from different walks of life who may or may not exhibit the same values. Regardless, we should show others compassion before judgment, ridicule or disdain. Understanding that not everyone is starting from the same playing field and that folks will sometimes project their insecurities onto others should help us empathize with them.
When given the opportunity, we fight fair by addressing folks face-to-face with respect, truth and compassion. When our kids can stay true to themselves, they will find that in most cases people will respond with decency. Not only did I find this to be true in my situation, but I’ve also found that regardless of whether or not folks agree with your position, they will usually respect you more when you conduct yourself in this manner. But even if they don’t, we must continue to do what we know is right and hope that the example that we set will leave a lasting impression on others!
Dr. Jade L. Ranger is a pharmacist at The Prescription Shoppe, a full-service pharmacy that she owns with her husband. She is mom to two boys, ages 10 and 7 years old, and author of “Mustard Seed Mentality,” available at Amazon.com.
